Closed captions provided by softitler
Hello. Hi.
Bob and david, here.
The episode of mr. Show you're about to see is...
Somewhat special.
Well, i'd say it's very special.
All right.
I mean, it was named the best very special episode
At the very special episode awards.
The v.S.A.S.
The "speshies."
I mean, that's-- That's what they call 'em.
Ok, so watch it with somebody that you care about.
And then,
Tell the ratings people that there was somebody else
In the room watching it with you.
Thank you.
And good luck...
To us.
Yes.
( Audience laughing )
Ok.
Good ?
( Director ) ok, moving on.
Cock-A-Doodle-Doo ! It's bob and david !
Hi ! Hi, donna.
Hello, everyone.
Welcome to mr. Show.
Tonight is a very, very, special episode.
David is going to do something very brave,
And we all support him.
Everyone come out here.
That--That's why you see we're all wearing
These brave-Choice, feel-Good ribbons.
Now, david,
It's yours.
Thanks, bob.
Hi, i'm david cross--
Now, get ready for the highest-Rated minute
Of mr. Show, ever ! Let's milk this mother !
Bob, that's not why i'm doing this.
I know, i know, just do it.
Hi, i'm david cross,
I play the beloved character of david cross
On t.V.'S mr. Show.
As you all know, the character i play is bald,
And i'm very proud to play this character
Because we write him as a real bald guy,
Not--Not a bald stereotype.
He doesn't speak in a bald voice,
Or live in the bald part of town or hang out in bald bars.
( Audience laughing )
I love the little fella, and, uh,
Sometimes, you know, i don't know whether
I'm playing david cross or david cross is playing me,
But, you know, i...
Right now i have something i want to say.
I, david cross,
Me, not the character,
Am bald.
( Audience laughing )
( Audience applauding )
David, i'm all right with this.
David,
I accept you,
But i don't accept the choice that you've made.
It's not a choice, jill, god made me this way.
Then i reject god.
( Audience laughing )
I'm really proud of you, buddy.
My dad was bald in world war ii.
He died wearin' a wig.
Ok, are you done ? Let's go check the ratings man.
Let's go !
Let's go to the ratings man !
* it's a merry old, merry old, jolly day *
* and the ratings man we shall see *
* with a ho-Ho-Ho and a tee-Hee-Hee *
* he watches us watch t.V. *
* with a clee-Clee-Clo and a zing-Zing-Zo *
* oh, a-Ratings we will go
( Both ) hey, ratings man !
Ho, ho, ho ! Bob and david !
How good to see you !
Oh, my ! How you've grown !
Oh, ho, ho, ho ! Come, boys,
Sit on my lap !
Ha, ha, ha !
Hey, ratings man, show us the ratings !
Well, your ratings are up this year, boys,
Because you've been very good !
( Bob and david ) yay !
Hey, um,
How can you be santa and the ratings man ?
Well, david,
When i'm checking to see who's naughty or nice,
I'm also checking to see what people
Are watching on t.V.
You see, the santa job pays shit.
( Audience laughing )
So the ratings job covers my overhead.
So why don't you just quit the santa thing ?
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho !
I love the santa job !
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho !
Listen closely,
There's a guy in the closet with a gun trained at my head.
If he thinks anything's wrong, he'll kill me.
What are you talking about ?
Oh, you're a good boy !
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho !
I am not screwing around, here.
This guy has forced me to play santa for over 500 years.
You-- You've got to help me !
Ok.
Ok, ratings man.
All right.
We're leaving now, ratings man...
We're leaving. Bye !
( Coughing )
( Audience laughing )
Ya done good, there, pops.
Smart, real smart.
Now, you just keep being santa, see ?
And never die, see ? Or you'll get it.
( Laughing )
Run !
Run free !
I'm finally free ! Thank you, boys ! Thank you !
I'm free !
Yeah, we did it !
Yeah !
You idiots !
Have you any idea of what you've done ?
( Audience laughing )
( Tatiana ) santa had been freed...
And so there was no christmas.
It was a terrible, terrible winter.
The winter snows came and buried the northeast.
If you look at our action weather radar...
You can see there's quite a storm coming
From over here.
I'm tatiana,
The weather hermaphrodite.
( Male voice ) mother nature is full of surprises.
This year, the winter storms
Have left us overstocked
And up to our necks in cock rings.
At cock ring warehouse,
We've got the largest selection
Of new and used cock rings in the tri-State area.
Over 3 miles of cock rings.
Stainless steel,
Bronze,
Leather, mahogany,
Sandalwood,
And even stained glass.
And all the latest styles,
Including the dillenger,
Pheasant under glass,
The brat,
And ol' ironsides.
So follow this little guy...
Any cock'll do !
To route 59, just south of santa's village,
For cock rings,
Cock rings, cock rings.
And this season, remember the poor.
Dust off your old cock rings,
And cock ring warehouse will pass them on
To needy families at no cost.
( Audience laughing )
That was the, uh, cock ring guy.
Oh ! "Any cock'll do !"
( All laughing )
I love that.
So, pete, what's up, man ?
Yeah, what's the big news ?
( Door knocking )
Oh, i'll get to it.
Slim ! All right.
Johnny, what's going on ?
Well, that's everybody.
So, what's up, pete ? What's the big news ?
Yeah, we goin' bowling, or what ?
Rematch ! Rematch !
No, we are not going bowling !
You guys, sit down. Sit down.
Now the reason, uh, that i called you guys here
Is 'cause you guys...
( Grunting )
...are my best buds in the world,
And i wanted you guys to be the first to know...
Kate and i are getting married.
No fucking way !
Yeah. Get out of here.
Are you serious ?
Really ?
( Groaning )
( All grunting )
Guys, guys ! Stop it ! Stop it !
( All panting )
Whoa !
What was that about ?
I--I couldn't stop myself !
Neither could i !
You guys just beat the shit out of me !
( Audience laughing )
Yeah. We know.
What was that about ?
Good question !
All i said was that kate and i are getting married.
( All grunting )
All right, stop it !
Stop it ! Stop it !
( Audience laughing )
It happened again !
What is with us ?
Super weird !
Man, did you see me ?
I was getting full-On jackie chan and shit !
( Grunting )
( Moaning )
Don't worry, he's all right.
Hey, buddy, you all right ?
Fuck you !
( Audience laughing )
Hey, you're ok,
And that's the important thing.
Dude, i'm not ok.
What is this, a fucking marriage ?
( All screaming )
( All grunting )
Wait, wait ! Stop ! Stop ! Stop !
I lost my contact lens !
Ok, ok. Look, nobody move,
We'll find it !
I'm so fucked without it, man !
We're gonna find it, buddy, don't worry.
I lost a tooth !
Found it !
( All ) oh !
Man, that was close !
Ok, all right,
That's it. You guys, leave.
Leave.
Hey, say it again.
What ?
Tell us you're getting married again.
No !
Oh, come on, give us another chance.
I want to see if we react the same way.
Yeah ! Me, too !
I bet we do !
No !
Oh, come on, we're all friends !
I mean, that was just some fluke thing before.
Besides, it's not a surprise anymore,
We know you're getting married.
Exactly.
Watch. All right, i'll say it this time, all right ?
Hey, guys, kate and i are getting married.
( All ) oh !
( All laughing )
You see, buddy ? Come on, give us another chance.
Ok.
Um...
Kate and i are getting married.
( All grunting )
Let me at him !
( Sighing )
I'm ok.
I'm all right.
I'm cool. I'm cool.
That was hard, but we did a good job, guys.
Yeah, we really did something, there.
We should be proud of ourselves.
Hey, champagne !
( All ) yeah !
Hey, a toast, huh ?
To good friends !
Oh, wait. Hey, buddy, you wanna say anything ?
Kate and i are getting married.
( All ) what ?
We got a call on a domestic disturbance. What's going on ?
Officer, it's cool, man.
These guys beat the shit out of me.
No, everything's cool.
Do me a favor.
Take a swing at the copper, will you ?
I want to get things all loosey-Goosey in here.
My name is terry twillstein.
I'm a camera chap for the hit show, fuzz.
I videotape coppers arresting roustabouts.
Recently, i had a brainstorm.
I thought, "let's put the show to music."
So i headed off to los angeles
To write songs,
Using actual episodes
Of actual arrests as inspiration.
I want you to take this, the dust,
The sirens, the coppers, the handcuffs,
The hillbilly-Ness, the breathalizing,
The excruciating arrestiveness of it all,
Of it all-- And i want you to put it inside your piano !
I decided to use the actual cops,
And actual criminals, for actuality's sake.
( Terry ) oh, my god ! Look who we've got.
( Terry laughing )
There you are, boys !
It's so good to see you. That's a european greeting. Come along !
Hi, terry.
Soon, tammy dobbs,
Our very first abused wife, arrived.
You look wonder-- Oh !
Look at that, there's a little fella. There's a little fella.
The grand reunion continues !
Say hello. Say hello.
( Audience laughing )
At last came our star,
Ronnie dobbs,
The most arrested man in the history of the show !
We're all here !
I want that bitch fired !
I want that bitch--
Don't worry about that bitch !
Look what we've got, ronnie.
Your officers... everyone's here.
It's ronnie, everyone...
The star of the show.
Tammy.
Hi, ronnie.
I just wanted to drop by and say
Thank you for not visiting me in jail.
Thank you so much.
Well, i've been busy.
Yeah, i can see you've been busy.
You should be proud, man.
Have you been fuckin' travis ?
Save that-- Save that for the--
What am i supposed to do while you're in jail ?
Save this tension, we're going to use it to sing !
Ok, are you ready for me ?
Bobbies, my 2 bobbies.
Great, here we go, ready with playback.
* we wear the hat, we wear the gun *
* we wear the shield, but not for fun *
( Both cops ) * we're looking for trouble *
* looking and driving
* and looking for trouble *
* looking and driving
* and looking for trouble *
( Terry ) ok, dear, are you ready ?
For the wife's theme,
I wanted to capture the essence of abuse,
In a jolly jingle.
This one's for you, ronnie.
* hello, 9-1-1, it's me again *
* ronnie's beatin' me again
* i got you on speed dial
* wish you'd call me once in a while *
* 9-1-1, it's me again *
How's that ?
( Terry ) that was wonderful.
We could put reverb in there.
It doesn't need reverb.
Yes, it does. She needs some echo, or a pedal--
( Tammy ) i think he's right, i think i need a little echo.
Then it was ronnie's turn.
My star.
This was our cream-Filled crumpet.
I took a deep breath and prayed a little pray.
"Come on, sir, you're obviously intoxicated."
"You're obviously intoxicated."
"Ok, that's it. Let's go."
"You 'that's it, let's go.'"
( Both ) "you're under arrest !"
"You're under arrest. No !"
* i thought that my home was my castle *
* with no one scrutinizing me *
* no pigs, no lyin' bitch, no hassle *
* y'all are brutalizing me
* can't a man
* not drink his beer in silence ? *
* can't a man not crudely lie and scream ? *
* can't a man not control his bitch with violence ? *
* y'all are brutalizing me
* y'all are brutalizing
* me *
( Audience applauding )
How's that ?
Ronnie,
( Ronnie ) what up ?
That one'll do.
Well, what the hell ? Let's, um,
Let's go have us champagne jam.
And in my melody,
I personified the silent observer.
* i am a camera, a camera am i *
He's off again.
He can't fuckin' get it.
( Ronnie ) god damn.
No, no, no, no.
No, no. Terry, terry, terry. Stop--Stop it !
You're missin' the goddamn quarter note each time !
Get away from there !
You ain't got it !
Take the button away from him !
Dumbass motherfucker !
( Men yelling in studio )
Take it again--
Terry, it's real simple.
* i am a camera, a camera am i *
Ronnie, you're out of line here !
This is a very sticky wicket !
You are shitting in my mouth and calling it a sundae.
Ok, that's it. Everyone out !
I have to talk to ronnie !
Everyone out ! He has to talk to me !
( Ronnie ) stupid motherfucker !
( Crashing )
( Yelling )
( Ronnie ) i don't love you !
Uh, unit 12-13, 10-4.
Let's hit it.
We got a call. Uh, it's a disturbance at a recording studio.
We get this kind of thing all the time.
( Ronnie and terry yelling )
( Officer #1 ) is there a disturbance here ?
( Ronnie yelling )
We're comin' in ! Let us in here.
No, officers, he's just a little drunk !
Did he hurt you ? Did he hurt you ?
No, he didn't. No-- Oh, this ? I just fell down.
( Audience laughing )
Put the fucking weapon down !
No, this ain't a weapon, i'm just tryin' to sing. Just hang on !
( Both yelling )
I knew that behind his artistic rage,
Ronnie loved me.
And it's because he loves me so much
That he'd gotten violent.
He had no other choice, really.
You don't know him the way i do.
I--I was asking for it.
And so, it is for ronnie dobbs
That i proudly accept this tony award !
( Audience applauding )
( Announcer ) the tony,
The oscar,
The ace,
The world's greatest grandpa,
The motormouth,
The biggest asshole in the world,
And now, the dewey.
Live, from the opal room,
In the holiday town center spot,
It's the cyrus dewey awards !
( Audience cheering )
Good evening.
Cyrus dewey was a silent film actor
Who made over 65 motion pictures.
In each film, he portrayed a character
Who was mentally challenged.
Once each film was completed, cyrus would give himself an award
For making such a brave choice.
All of you gathered here tonight
Have made that same brave choice.
I see ben stapleton,
Nominated for the role of billy
In the mountain too high.
( Audience laughing )
Brenda blinkman,
Here for her portrayal of ginny
In a bridge too long.
Fervel lankman,
Who was donny in the crack'd mirror...
( Audience applauding )
And its sequel, goin' crackers.
There are so many of you here,
All brave, all award-Bound.
And now, joining us live via satellite,
Are don tromky and jane sweney.
Thank you. Hello.
Don and jane, it's good to have you.
It's nice to be here.
We wish we could be there with you,
But we're in the back of the room, uh,
Attending the darius mclean awards
For actors who portrayed people dying of terminal diseases.
It's been a big year for you.
It's been a big, brave year for us, as actors.
( Audience laughing )
Tell me about the bob lamonta story.
The bob lamonta story.
It's a story of a young boy
Who was raised by mentally-Challenged parents.
It's inspiring, moving,
And very brave of us.
( Host ) a brave choice.
Thank you.
Hey !
Well, thank you. I hope you can join us next year...
Hi.
( Audience laughing )
Thank you. Thank you for having us.
And now, here to introduce the bob lamonta story,
Is the real bob lamonta.
( Audience applauding )
Hello.
I'm bob lamonta.
The scene you are about to see
Is based upon my real-Life experiences.
I hope you find my life story
As reminiscent of my life
As it is for me.
( Audience laughing )
And now, let's watch the entire film.
( Audience laughing )
Come on, bob, aren't you gonna eat ?
No.
What is it this time ?
What's wrong, bob ?
You get another weird sandwich ?
Leave him alone !
I think this one is, uh,
Peanut butter,
And egg,
And dice.
Isn't that a sponge in there ?
Yeah.
Damn it ! I hate my parents !
I hate 'em !
Bob, you ok ?
Everything's all right !
( Bob ) but everything wasn't all right.
My parents had embarrassed me again.
So i ran.
I ran and ran.
( Principal ) mr. And mrs. Lamonta,
I'm a little worried about your son, bob.
We're sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
There's no need to apologize,
But let me ask you,
What's the situation like at home ?
It's fun.
We get to run around,
And paint.
That seems healthy.
Yeah. I'm strong.
Like the hulk !
( Growling )
( Bob ) ...and ran.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Mom and dad said i had to stay home
And watch cartoons all day.
Did they give you any lunch ?
They gave me some beer and some frozen peas.
Where are mom and dad ?
They went to your school for a meeting.
What ?
My shoes hurt.
Well, have you tried pulling up your socks all the way,
Mr. Lamonta ?
Uh-Huh.
Oh, damn it ! Mom and dad,
You know you're not supposed to leave home without a monitor !
Hey, hey, mister. We don't swear in here, and we respect our elders !
You are expelled until further notice !
I'm expelled, too !
I wanna be expelled, too.
No, no, no, mrs. Lamonta,
( All arguing )
Your son is the one i'm concerned about.
( Bob ) my parents...
Running to them, or running away from them,
Either way, it was always them.
And always running.
Son...
Dad.
Your mother and i are very proud of you,
We really are,
But sometimes, we can't say what we mean.
From now on, whenever i say
"My shoes hurt,"
You just imagine i'm saying
"I love you."
( Audience laughing )
Sure, pop.
And be patient with your mom.
( Chuckling )
She's trying her best.
And look at me...
Knucklehead !
( Audience laughing )
Oh, um,
Would you wake us when b.J. And the bear comes on ?
( Audience laughing )
You got it, dad !
So, on i ran,
And run, i did,
Until i became a world-Class running man.
And a 3-Time olympic gold medalist.
Me...
Bob lamonta,
We won ! We won !
We win ! We win !
Mom, dad... i did it, you see ?
My shoes hurt !
My shoes hurt, too, dad.
My shoes hurt, too.
( Audience applauding )
Thank you.
It's all true,
Uh, except for a few dramatic choices,
It's all true.
Uh, i'm not dead.
I'm alive.
Um...
And both of my parents
Were not retarded.
My father was of normal intelligence.
My mother was also of normal intelligence.
Um, i never ran in the olympics.
Um...
I did a few walkathons, though.
Uh, did pretty well.
Did all right. Did ok.
Uh, let's see, what else ? Uh...
Uh...
Oh ! I did have a moustache, though, for a little while,
But i thought it made me look gay, so...
All right, enough of my jibber-Jabbering,
We've got some deweys to give away !
( Audience laughing )
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
I'm going to open this envelope
That has all of your names in it.
( Drum roll sounding )
It's open.
Come on up here and get your awards ! You're all winners !
Bring it out here. Bring it out here.
All right, settle down, settle down, settle down.
All right, john hamlinson.
Is there a john hamlinson ? Come on, gimme that.
John hamlinson. There you go, hamlinson.
Larry clyde, for tommy's story.
There you are, clyde.
Bill hoop, for billy's story.
Bill hoop ? Hoop ? There you go, hoop.
Come on, please give me that. John beecher.
John beecher ? There you go, beecher.
All right, who are you ?
Carl esnick, for down driving.
Esnick's a no-Show, who wants it ?
Who's gonna accept ? Who's gonna accept ?
All right, here. Gotta be quicker next time.
Let go of my hand, come on.
All right, jill potato ?
Jill potato ? There you go, potato,
Nice work.
All right, mike yalonan.
Mike yalonan ? All right !
Hey, you got-- All right, that's it for you.
All right, who's next ? Who's next ?
Billy pitterwatt ? Billy pitterwatt. There you go, pitterwatt.
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